What makes me depress

I'm sure I'm gonna sound like complaining about my life when I'm pretty lucky. Well I'm sorry if that's what you think.

What makes me depress. . .

Many things make me depress. What made me depress today? My mother.

Yes. A very hard answer. Why? Well there are many answers too. My mom and I have never had an stable relationship. We love each other. No doubt of that. But we are so different that our personalities are hurtful for the other.

I'm too straightforward. She is too polite.

I call her hypocrite. She calls me beast.

And you know what? Maybe I am.

But what makes me feel the worst is not being different from her. Is knowing that I easily hurt her with my opinions. Sometimes I dont even notice it. And when I do notice my stupidity, I get frustrated. Why can she stand my opinions like I deal with her judgments? How can I stop being such a horrible daughter? When to know how to shut up? What to say to make her feel better? Who to talk to when I'm like this? Where to scape to stop the guilty feelings stabbing my heart?

I don't know any answer to those questions. I feel lost and lonely. And all I can do is hide in my room. Wear my "I don't give a shit about the world" mask and pretend I'm so fucking ok.

That's what I do.

And later. Just later.

I cut myself.

And then, I fall asleep. 

Begging to not have to wake up another day.

Ps; I'm not looking for any type of attention. I'm sharing my insanity so maybe someone can realize how bad it looks. Before and after the process I'm completely alone. So no. I don't want any fucking attention. Just saying.