July 30th

I don't want to wake up one morning like Andy Warhol in the 60s and say I don't do my art anymore because I decided to focus in other things. The thought of losing my passion is a constant agony. It burns under my skin. It hurts the air I breath. It makes me miserable. However, I usually lose myself between all the things I want to do. Like writing, I spent more than ten years writing, but at some point the photography caught me and I couldn't finish some stories. In addition, all of this years I've been drawing some stuff but I never found something really beautiful on it. I never felt proud of any of it. Now, with the taste of a black coffee and the smell of lemon lucky strike, I feel desperate. My mind is a mess, my hands are crazy about create something. But what? What can i do without feeling empty or frustrated. What? I keep asking myself. What...

What makes me depress

I'm sure I'm gonna sound like complaining about my life when I'm pretty lucky. Well I'm sorry if that's what you think.

What makes me depress. . .

Many things make me depress. What made me depress today? My mother.

Yes. A very hard answer. Why? Well there are many answers too. My mom and I have never had an stable relationship. We love each other. No doubt of that. But we are so different that our personalities are hurtful for the other.

I'm too straightforward. She is too polite.

I call her hypocrite. She calls me beast.

And you know what? Maybe I am.

But what makes me feel the worst is not being different from her. Is knowing that I easily hurt her with my opinions. Sometimes I dont even notice it. And when I do notice my stupidity, I get frustrated. Why can she stand my opinions like I deal with her judgments? How can I stop being such a horrible daughter? When to know how to shut up? What to say to make her feel better? Who to talk to when I'm like this? Where to scape to stop the guilty feelings stabbing my heart?

I don't know any answer to those questions. I feel lost and lonely. And all I can do is hide in my room. Wear my "I don't give a shit about the world" mask and pretend I'm so fucking ok.

That's what I do.

And later. Just later.

I cut myself.

And then, I fall asleep. 

Begging to not have to wake up another day.

Ps; I'm not looking for any type of attention. I'm sharing my insanity so maybe someone can realize how bad it looks. Before and after the process I'm completely alone. So no. I don't want any fucking attention. Just saying.

4 Steps I go through in order to feel better

So I was thinking about what new topic I should write in this blog. Since it's about me, I should write about this temporal visitor I've had since I was thirteen: depression.

Since I'm a little motivated now, I want to share how I try to fix/fight/deal my dark/sad/angry days.

This is only one thing I do. Eventually I will share the things I used to do. The ones that still work and the ones that don't anymore. I can't promise it would heal all of you. I'm just a depressed girl sharing some personal stuff. Everyone is different, hopefully it will help someone out there though.

Step 1: I take a long long long bath.

You all may think 'Tsk, such a girl' but hey... wait a little bit. Make sure is not just a bath. In my sad days I feel horrible. I can't even stand watching myself on the mirror. So I've discovered recently that I feel better when I use some beauty products (A nice hair treatment or/and a nice skin treatment) For sure I won't instantly become beautiful but It helps me to kind of forget the feeling. I add some bubbles, aromatic candles, etc sometimes.

Step 2: I listen to my favorite songs while taking the bath.

One thing I can't stand while being depressed is to over-think so I make sure I won't do it. I make a playlist of the songs I feel like listening or singing. Singing out loud in the bath makes me distract myself from the horribles thoughts I usually have. Silence is my favorite thing but when I'm depressed it can kill me. Even If I don't want to talk to anyone.

Step 3: Plan B for the music.

If I'm moody and I don't feel like singing or listen to music, I find a really good book. Yes, it's risky to read while taking a bath but trust me, going into someone's imagination will be worth it. I promise.

 

Step 4: Talking to my 12.

One thing I do while all of this process is messaging my 12. Why? Feeling the support and calm of him makes me feel better. Even when he is at work he finds a moment to make sure I'm ok so I try to stick to him as much as I can. He makes me feel loved and safe. Even in those days I really want to stop breathing, he is there for me.

Here are the 4 steps I go through in order to feel better. Hopefully it'd help someone. Like I said, I know nothing. I'm just someone trying to be better.

Have a great week.

Just because.

A couple of days ago I had to write an introduction about what kind of volunteering I'd like to do. I'd love to create an art club at the forest "El Olivar"

I'll share the result here.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _

Take a minute and ask yourself, How much do you know about art? How much more would you like to know? Knowing who's Mario Vargas Llosa's last affair doesn't mean you do know about these topics. The lack of artistic culture in Lima motivated me to write this paper. For this reason I would like to propose an art club at the forest "El Olivar" to increase the cultural spaces in the community. I strongly believe this program will allow all kind of people to develop artistic skills, in addition to the seek of involving gang members in order to reduce crime in the area. However, the major of San Isidro thinks it may bring unwanted attention from gangs and some people may damage the art materials or the forest.

. . . 

Some July's day.

Last week on my advanced written communication skills class I was asked to write a small introductory paragraph from a descriptive essay about life in the future. Since I really enjoyed doing this exercise at class, I wanted to share it here.

________________

It is the morning of a messy July on the 2213, I've been so into my last painting  project that I can't imagine myself on a date in the calendar. The smell of fresh watercolors dance around my head, giving me a reason to get up and run to the kitchen. A big hot cup of coffee talk to me while I enjoy the silence of this lovely moment.  "I used to hate July".- I whisper to myself with a smirk on my lips. In the past, July used to be the hottest month in Japan. Not anymore with that wonderful temperature technology that some scientists discovered ten years ago. Now we're able to modify our own body temperature in order to feel colder or warmer. Of course, I chose winter alike temperature. How awesome can be the kiss of a chocolate when my body shakes with the cold wind. And just like a kind playing with a new toy, I enjoy my fifth career: fine arts. I've always loved art so now that I can do plenty of it I feel the steps of wisdom on my back. I know I still need to learn more. However, I have a little more of information than before. This moment is perfect, I'm glad I lived longer to have this July.

. . .

What I have to and I don't have to write about.

Good afternoon,

This first entry comes with a lot of pressure, fluttering like a butterfly that in a week will fade away -like most of my previous attempts to document my opinions and feelings- Wait, feelings? Yes, feelings. Today, boredom took me by surprise and made me, once again, open the blogspot, change the name, delete previous entries and create a new blog. Do you want to join? Okay then, here we go. The topics? I do not have a clear idea about them; I will let them flow as the days go by. I have to say that my past is full of BL stories and fanfictions, so expressing things in a normal way is going to be difficult. Fantasy usually comes to visit me from time to time to add some emotion and spiciness to the experiences and findings. To conclude, thanks to those who decide to lose their free time in this ‘coffee corner’. Yes, coffee. Why? I like coffee. Is it too simple? I’m afraid the world is already complicated enough to complicate it more with sounding names, Don’t you think? I will leave the question as homework.

Have a good Sunday!

*BL: Boys love, gay stories.

**Fanfictions: Fictional stories written by fans.