My dream vacation: Japan

My dream vacation has always been to visit Japan. I usually daydream about visiting the shrines in Kyoto. Someday I’ll have the chance to see, with my own eyes, the great Fushimi Inari. I’m looking forward to that day. Nowadays, I have been reading a lot about japanese temples and shrines. I strongly believe japanese folk stories are fascinating. I would love to go and feel like I’m inside one of them. 

Here some extra information about Fushimi Inari: 

 “Fushimi Inari Taisha is the head shrine of Inari, located in Fushimi-ku, Kyoto, Japan. The shrine sits at the base of a mountain also named Inari which is 233 metres above sea level, and includes trails up the mountain to many smaller shrines which span 4 kilometers and takes approximately 2 hours to walk up. (...)” - wiki

My social anxiety

Social anxiety is an inner enemy waiting to take control of you in the most vulnerable moment.

I don't know when it exactly started. I'm almost sure I've always been this way. When I look back in the time, I can perfectly picture myself feeling very nervous about social interaction. Obviously it got worse with the years to the point where I was no longer free to walk on the streets without feeling trapped and scared under my skin. However, I was always over thinking every word in a social interaction. Sometimes it's even imposible to articulate a greeting. And I hate it. I hate being this way because I can't control it. This "thing" takes control over me and through the years it built an image of myself that I hate. People usually don't try any kind of interaction with me. I'm that girl in the class that always ends alone in the team works. The one the teacher need to fit in any group. The one without a partner for some of the pronunciation exercises. I'm the type of person who skipped 3 months of class because I felt terrified of stepping into the classroom. I reached the door of the school but never stepped in for months. I lost opportunities because of it. I even hurt my mom for being so incompetent. My closest girl friends usually don't get it. They aren't mean but they ask me why. They say it isn't that hard. My mom believes I'm wasting my youth. My aunt thinks I'm a failure. My cousins no longer see me as a role model. It's frustrating being unable to have "motivation" and control myself. It's frustrating to hear again and again and again the typical "You can overcome this. You just have to try"

Dammit I try. Every fucking day I try. I feel insane for feeling so... suffocated among other humans. Why am I this way? How did I let myself reach this? Why I didn't stop it on time? Why...

Today I run away from my class. Again. A class I was already feeling comfortable and where finally someone wants to work with me. I sat next to that person and a few minutes later I took my things and run to the bathroom. Locked there until the class was over. I feel horrible because I pushed away someone. Again. Is this going to end? Is this going to stop? Maybe it will stop if I stop existing. Maybe that's the only way to find peace. Maybe.