1988's mom

Have you ever wanted/wished/begged to be killed on the street? Maybe getting hit by a car or getting the shoot from a thief? I have those thoughts daily. And you know what's the pathetic side of that? I can't even allow myself to die because there is still a lot to carry on my shoulders.

God if you really exist make me be the sick one. Give me her pain. I'm the bad one. I'm the one who deserve to be punished. Please let me be the one that suffers. I'm begging you to turn your anger against me. Let her in peace.

I'm tired. This isn't fair. I'm tired of seeing her suffer. Let me suffer instead of her. I'm the bad one. Let me die pls. Give her the best cus she deserves it. Let my mom save some relief.

What I deserve.

I had a horrible day. My class was a mess. Social interaction is a very difficult task for me. Some people may think I'm stupid for feeling anxiety when I have to socialize.

"Oh yeah. She is just being tragic"

You know what? Maybe I am. So? That doesn't erase the fact I daily feel a gigantic pressure when I have to deal with unknown humans.

Every fucking morning I have to face that shit of team work. Dear teacher, introverted people exist and hell yes that means we can make a proper work alone. Every fucking morning I'm forced to share my homework when 90% of the time I'm correct. My grammar ain't perfect but I'm still learning, idiots.

And then? Oh then...

When family, your blood gets mad sick, all you wish is to be some kind of god in other to heal the ones you love. It's so frustrating to see my mom getting worse instead of feeling better. Isn't the surgery supposed to make her life better? At home no one have the guts to solve problems and fuck since I was five I had to be the adult and the one who can't break down. I'm so fucking tired. My depression is as big as my fake smile. No wonder one of these days I might just stop this shit. No wonder one of these days I'll disappear. No wonder anyone would notice it until they need me for something. They say I'm a sociopath... really? Then why the fuck I'm the one being used? Even to fill someone's ego and give all my insane love... even for that I've been used. What else can I give? I have nothing left. I'm tired. I'm really tired.

And then. When I feel like opening up... a stupid joke of mine makes me feel like a tiny piece of shit. So tiny and so insignificant that I better shut the fuck up. I'm speechless. I have nothing to say in my defense. I know I'm a shit, often/usually/always. But you know what? You don't need to remind me what I am. Thanks. Not today. Not today when I'm already emotionally exhausted. Feels like I was on the floor, on my knees crying in silence and at the end some super important person comes close and instead of helping me to get up just kick me on the floor. Like if this is some kind of punishment. I guess all of these happens just because I deserve it.