I had a horrible day. My class was a mess. Social interaction is a very difficult task for me. Some people may think I'm stupid for feeling anxiety when I have to socialize.
"Oh yeah. She is just being tragic"
You know what? Maybe I am. So? That doesn't erase the fact I daily feel a gigantic pressure when I have to deal with unknown humans.
Every fucking morning I have to face that shit of team work. Dear teacher, introverted people exist and hell yes that means we can make a proper work alone. Every fucking morning I'm forced to share my homework when 90% of the time I'm correct. My grammar ain't perfect but I'm still learning, idiots.
And then? Oh then...
When family, your blood gets mad sick, all you wish is to be some kind of god in other to heal the ones you love. It's so frustrating to see my mom getting worse instead of feeling better. Isn't the surgery supposed to make her life better? At home no one have the guts to solve problems and fuck since I was five I had to be the adult and the one who can't break down. I'm so fucking tired. My depression is as big as my fake smile. No wonder one of these days I might just stop this shit. No wonder one of these days I'll disappear. No wonder anyone would notice it until they need me for something. They say I'm a sociopath... really? Then why the fuck I'm the one being used? Even to fill someone's ego and give all my insane love... even for that I've been used. What else can I give? I have nothing left. I'm tired. I'm really tired.
And then. When I feel like opening up... a stupid joke of mine makes me feel like a tiny piece of shit. So tiny and so insignificant that I better shut the fuck up. I'm speechless. I have nothing to say in my defense. I know I'm a shit, often/usually/always. But you know what? You don't need to remind me what I am. Thanks. Not today. Not today when I'm already emotionally exhausted. Feels like I was on the floor, on my knees crying in silence and at the end some super important person comes close and instead of helping me to get up just kick me on the floor. Like if this is some kind of punishment. I guess all of these happens just because I deserve it.
Please don't disappear, I would miss you so damn much. I do hate being so busy sometimes that I can't be of help when you need it the most. But what saddens me the most is that you think you deserve all these horrible things to happen to you. You don't!!! I understand your mom is still in pain, but she needs rest! And a lot of it. I know she works hard, but you need to make her understand that her health comes before anything else, to you and to herself, I know you can talk her into resting as much as she needs.
ResponderBorrarAnd why are you feeling awful about a joke? If you know who you are and what you're capable of, then FUCK IT. Take that stupid, hurtful joke as whatever you want, because it will either eat you up or you'll make a lesson out of it. I'm certain you'll do what you think it's best, because I know you're trying hard to overcome those things you want to change. So, basically, what you deserve is for yourself to able to see pass your troubles of today and learn something out of it. You will. I'm sure.
I hope my words will make you feel better. I'm not quite sure they will, but at least I got a smile or some kind of grimace out of you, hahaha. Te quiero okaachan, que bueno que te leí aunque sea un ratito <3